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27 August 2020
Iraq
I love it here
August 20, 2020 by TLO in Iraq
Shat Al Arab Hotel,
Basrah
Iraq
22 Aug 2005
Dear All,
I actually walked into work this morning with two pencils up my nose and a pair of pants on my head. This rather pathetic attempt to get sent back to England to see a shrink was just met with a shrug of the shoulders by my Commanding Officer. I am now focusing my efforts on new and ingenious ways of getting out of here, I have tried booking UK based courses to go on, but I keep getting caught. I tried carelessly running up and downstairs with my eyes closed, I even tried sprinkling staircases and corridors with marbles before running down them with my boots undone and laces flapping wildly at my feet. I have deliberately put my fingers in door hinges in the hope someone might slam it (I actually got scared doing that so gave it up.)
I have tried faking serious illness, but the doctor just laughed at me. I’ve even gone to the radical steps of not looking both ways before crossing the road. I may well have to have a terrible accident with a fork at dinner, but of course our forks are plastic so even that is no use. I have tried eating too many donuts, but apparently you have to be very very small for this to have a liver collapsing effect. I suppose the only thing I haven’t tried yet, but am way too scared of doing, is to just ask if I can go home because I don’t want to be here anymore, I am not sure I could face the humiliation of admitting defeat to this damn place.
As you may have gathered I am a little tired of being in such a horrible place. If you have any ideas of how best to pull off a long term sickie, please let me know. Sure we have improved the hotel no end since our arrival, Rats no longer crawl down corridors, the air conditioning works occasionally, the floors are cleaner, the walls are whiter, the lights have bulbs, the doors have handles, fire doors litter every corridor, new fire alarms ring constantly in various places, the stairs even seem to have even been remarbled. The gym has machines that work, the showers have cold water, every office has its own sign, and as I have mentioned we even have one Portakabin full of porcelain loos. But it wasn’t my understanding that I was coming out to witness a hotel refit team at work.
The locals continue to be extraordinary, and now I am starting to come across even stranger aspects to this culture. They have no concept of comfort. We have purchased a new sofa for our TV room, being a “dead posh” outfit no expense was spared and the finest furniture shop in Basrah was asked to provide some of its wares. There is no way on God’s Earth that anyone except someone who lives here could have designed these things. They are awful, not just in colour, texture, and look but they have been fashioned in such a way to make it impossible to sit on and be comfortable. A large wooden pole runs across your back forcing you to sit as though something has been forced up your bottom, the seat is made of the thinnest piece of foam on top of the hardest wood in the Middle East, and the headrest bit is made of solid rock. It is the most remarkably uncomfortable creation on earth.
The mindless killing, the drive-bys, the roadside bombs, and the meaningless deaths seem to make a lot more sense than the inexplicably bad furniture designs. Having just witnessed the festival of Ashura, where it is quite normal to slash yourself with barb wires, chains, or even swords and comparing it to the rather tame Shrove Tuesday I grew up with maybe explains how they can possibly love those sofas!!
I do hope you are all having a slightly more enjoyable time of August than I am, next week I will be able to say “I am coming home next month!” which for me is a massive morale booster.
Take care
All my love
T
x
P.S. Just managed to slip the hysterical expression “…diving into a hot sweaty snatch…” into an interview with the press without laughing!!! Brilliant!
Shat Al Arab Hotel Coldstream Guards

The letter above is part of a series of letters I sent home from Basrah, Iraq in 2005 republished here for the first time since they got sent exactly 15 years ago (I will try and sync them with the real dates sent)

I suppose this was my very first attempt at blogging, before blogging was ever a thing!

I was a Captain in The British Army at the time and was in the middle of an unremarkable 7 month posting to Basrah surrounded by the remarkable men of the Coldstream Guards, my regiment for 7 years. I loved and adored my time in the Coldstream and look back at all the fun and silliness with incredibly fond memories. I hope these letters go some way to show the amusing side of our tour, they are not designed to be a factual representation of the hard work, pain and suffering that so many endured. They do not talk of the ultimate sacrifice made by too many of our soldiers during that extraordinary year.

Nulli Secundus.

The Coldstream Guards Capstar
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There are 2 comments on this post
  1. Janie
    August 21, 2020, 10:05 am

    Made my morning – I just cried with laughter!!! Xxxxx

  2. Ian
    August 21, 2020, 2:27 pm

    The stiff upper lip shines through the black humour, Tom. Can’t imagine how awful the situation must have been but your sense of humour may have kept the worst of the reality at a distance. With admiration. Ian

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After a little silence on insta there has been some breeding, now there are three!! Ventura will always have a special place in my heart, but now with Dudley the Series nearing completion suddenly selling him feels very hard, maybe too hard? The newest recruit, Roger the Range Rover is currently undergoing a conversion to become @guinchoracing first race car ready for 2026 inaugural rally season (watch this space)
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After a little silence on insta there has been some breeding, now there are three!! Ventura will always have a special place in my heart, but now with Dudley the Series nearing completion suddenly selling him feels very hard, maybe too hard? The newest recruit, Roger the Range Rover is currently undergoing a conversion to become @guinchoracing first race car ready for 2026 inaugural rally season (watch this space) . . . #rangeroverv8 #defendertd5 #series3 #v8 #landroverseries #beachrunner #vintagelandrover #landylove #landroverclub #landroverlove #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #reborn #refurbish #restore #revitalise #guinchoracing
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1/9
Meet Dudley. A new member of the 4 Low fleet. This one getting a full beach runner restoration with the intention of maybe, just maybe being sold in the future. Follow along for all kinds of DIY cock ups as I try and revive this little legend.
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#series3 #landroverseries #beachrunner #vintagelandrover #landylove #landroverclub #landroverlove #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #reborn #refurbish #restore #revitalise #revive
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Meet Dudley. A new member of the 4 Low fleet. This one getting a full beach runner restoration with the intention of maybe, just maybe being sold in the future. Follow along for all kinds of DIY cock ups as I try and revive this little legend. . . . #series3 #landroverseries #beachrunner #vintagelandrover #landylove #landroverclub #landroverlove #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #reborn #refurbish #restore #revitalise #revive
1 year ago
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2/9
A highlight reel from @marocchallenge in March. An epic week introducing us to the world of racing, rally driving and a whole new world of fun. Full video on YouTube (link in bio) - more of this will be coming soon I am sure!!
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#marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
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A highlight reel from @marocchallenge in March. An epic week introducing us to the world of racing, rally driving and a whole new world of fun. Full video on YouTube (link in bio) - more of this will be coming soon I am sure!! . . . #marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
1 year ago
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3/9
Day 6 - final race day, a complex day focussed on careful navigation. We started by cocking it up from the start when I entered yesterday’s start line into the GPS…so we were late for the briefing and got penalised before we even began.

We set off to be the fastest, as have decided that the rules are for sissies, but still managed to miss a few checkpoints and finish rather unimpressive 30th today. (Still fastest time to finish!)

Insane drive North to Rabat, over the snowy Atlas Mountains through a blizzard. Our windscreen wiper broke on day 1 so I had to MacGyver some bungee cord and a rope into a makeshift wiper. Somehow it held and we made it across the mountains and snow storms and into extraordinary rolling green countryside. Breath taking scenery mixed with mental Moroccan drivers skidding into ditches around us.

Only a casual 12 hour journey home in the rain tomorrow to finish this epic adventure.
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#marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
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Day 6 - final race day, a complex day focussed on careful navigation. We started by cocking it up from the start when I entered yesterday’s start line into the GPS…so we were late for the briefing and got penalised before we even began. We set off to be the fastest, as have decided that the rules are for sissies, but still managed to miss a few checkpoints and finish rather unimpressive 30th today. (Still fastest time to finish!) Insane drive North to Rabat, over the snowy Atlas Mountains through a blizzard. Our windscreen wiper broke on day 1 so I had to MacGyver some bungee cord and a rope into a makeshift wiper. Somehow it held and we made it across the mountains and snow storms and into extraordinary rolling green countryside. Breath taking scenery mixed with mental Moroccan drivers skidding into ditches around us. Only a casual 12 hour journey home in the rain tomorrow to finish this epic adventure. . . . #marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
1 year ago
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4/9
Day 5 - a rally special stage around Erg Chebbi dunes. Slightly less challenging terrain meant we had a super fast somewhat terrifying run today. Over taking from 12th all the way to the front, I have never felt closer to being in an actual rally car in my life. Totally awesome and brilliant fun, sideways, jumping, power sliding our way through the dunes and gravel tracks. 

The car ran beautifully and I can’t imagine how she survived the brutal thrashing the speed we gave her, poor thing! We smashed the competition today finishing a massive 8mins ahead of all cars in the whole raid. Sadly we still got caught speeding 4 times, so placed 13th despite being the fastest. 

Stupid rules, we obvs win on lad points.
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#marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
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Day 5 - a rally special stage around Erg Chebbi dunes. Slightly less challenging terrain meant we had a super fast somewhat terrifying run today. Over taking from 12th all the way to the front, I have never felt closer to being in an actual rally car in my life. Totally awesome and brilliant fun, sideways, jumping, power sliding our way through the dunes and gravel tracks. The car ran beautifully and I can’t imagine how she survived the brutal thrashing the speed we gave her, poor thing! We smashed the competition today finishing a massive 8mins ahead of all cars in the whole raid. Sadly we still got caught speeding 4 times, so placed 13th despite being the fastest. Stupid rules, we obvs win on lad points. . . . #marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
1 year ago
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5/9
Day 4 - Our fastest day so far, no car trouble, only one pee stop and a great track that took us through mountain passes, gravel plains and soft sandy routes. Superb fun with no wind and no sand storms!

Longest single dune climb I have ever done (7km) of slow incline up a big sand monster, car started to struggle near the top but made it no problem.

Awesome technical dune section that allowed us to pass the whole pack and meant we finished in first place, but sadly a navigation error (my fault) meant we missed a Waypoint and placed 12th. Maybe tomorrow with a day of dunes might bring a top ten place!
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#marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
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Day 4 - Our fastest day so far, no car trouble, only one pee stop and a great track that took us through mountain passes, gravel plains and soft sandy routes. Superb fun with no wind and no sand storms! Longest single dune climb I have ever done (7km) of slow incline up a big sand monster, car started to struggle near the top but made it no problem. Awesome technical dune section that allowed us to pass the whole pack and meant we finished in first place, but sadly a navigation error (my fault) meant we missed a Waypoint and placed 12th. Maybe tomorrow with a day of dunes might bring a top ten place! . . . #marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
1 year ago
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6/9
Day 3 - Billed as a nice easy day, started well with epic landscapes and bone jangling rocks. Within a blink of an eye a wild sand storm enveloped us and reduced our speed to 10kmh for many hours.

We had GPS issues (my fault) and as such found ourselves facing the wrong way into traffic, chilled, and then were forced to always follow someone else to the finish line. We came 17th today, so are improving!

Ventura running smoothly with her new heart pumping diesel, just an increase in squeaks, bangs, knocks and pieces falling off. She still goes one! Tomorrow we aim for top 10.
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#marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
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Day 3 - Billed as a nice easy day, started well with epic landscapes and bone jangling rocks. Within a blink of an eye a wild sand storm enveloped us and reduced our speed to 10kmh for many hours. We had GPS issues (my fault) and as such found ourselves facing the wrong way into traffic, chilled, and then were forced to always follow someone else to the finish line. We came 17th today, so are improving! Ventura running smoothly with her new heart pumping diesel, just an increase in squeaks, bangs, knocks and pieces falling off. She still goes one! Tomorrow we aim for top 10. . . . #marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
1 year ago
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7/9
Bivouac - God knows how many people in one tented camp for the night. Maybe 400 people, 200 tents, amazing food, ice cold beer and a welcome retreat from the endless Sand storm that raged all night.

Garage Iriki set themselves up in support of @marocchallenge and do the most incredible job of piecing all the broken wagons back together. I needed only the smallest assistance to fit a new fuel pump. I’d liken it to heart surgery in a sand storm…I was the anaesthetist, I thought it best to let the pro do the technical stuff. We nailed it and the car was back in the road in a blink of a sand filled eye.
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#marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
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Bivouac - God knows how many people in one tented camp for the night. Maybe 400 people, 200 tents, amazing food, ice cold beer and a welcome retreat from the endless Sand storm that raged all night. Garage Iriki set themselves up in support of @marocchallenge and do the most incredible job of piecing all the broken wagons back together. I needed only the smallest assistance to fit a new fuel pump. I’d liken it to heart surgery in a sand storm…I was the anaesthetist, I thought it best to let the pro do the technical stuff. We nailed it and the car was back in the road in a blink of a sand filled eye. . . . #marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure
1 year ago
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8/9
Day 2 - A day of exciting sand rivers, fast tracks and huge distance. We found ourselves pushing as far south as the rally goes, and heading into a tented camp (Bivouac) for the night.

Ventura let us down despite looking amazing with an over heating fuel pump that needed to be swapped out that night, so we placed a casual 24th (better than last!)

Lada Niva in final shot is coolest car in the race. They are winning their class and beat us on day 2!
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#marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure.
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Day 2 - A day of exciting sand rivers, fast tracks and huge distance. We found ourselves pushing as far south as the rally goes, and heading into a tented camp (Bivouac) for the night. Ventura let us down despite looking amazing with an over heating fuel pump that needed to be swapped out that night, so we placed a casual 24th (better than last!) Lada Niva in final shot is coolest car in the race. They are winning their class and beat us on day 2! . . . #marocchallenge #marochallengespring2024 #landrover110 #td5 #dualcab #defender110 #theadventuretruck #landylove #defender #greenlane #landroverclub #td5mafia #defendertd5 #landroverlove #dcpu #adventuretruck #landroverlifestyle #landroverphotos #landroveroflisbon #defender_life_style #venturatruck #travel #adventure.
1 year ago
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9/9
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