Vegan, Vegetarian, Paleo, Lectin, Keto, Glutenite – If you identify as any of these, do not keep reading, this post is guaranteed to piss you off (possibly even designed to cause a reaction…) Dietary requirements are the product of a weak and feeble society that is unable to slap itself in the face and get a grip on its own reality.
Everyone thinks it, no one says it:
Dietary requirements, or perhaps I should say more specifically the people with dietary requirements are a product of a generation that has so little hardship they have created food as a new axis of evil.
As someone who once worked in hospitality, can I just speak for every restaurant worker, every caterer, every chef and every single person taking someones order – Your f*cking ‘gluten intolerance’ DOES NOT INTEREST ANYONE.
Have I still got you? Feel free to leave a comment below.
Anyway, this is not supposed to be a rant, the point of todays post is really to raise the issue of what to do when someone has a specific dietary weakness and rather than fix it themselves they pass their problem onto you, the kind and generous host. More to the point, what on earth are we supposed to do when we know ‘they’ are coming.
My little brother Fanny the Tranny has featured in this blog a number of times, and I have mentioned his eating disorders before. His dietary fad’s blow with the wind, sadly only getting harder to accommodate, never easier. Currently he is so determined to never be asked anywhere he has taken to only eating food that has been pressure cooked into a brown paste to remove all flavour and colour and then served on a bed of nothing. Somehow despite this extraordinary approach to his own diet his ever patient wife (G.P.) is still able to rustle up fabulously delicious food with good grace and style from behind tightly gritted teeth. I digress.
When “they” are coming, and you are the host you are really only left with two options.
- Cook special food, spend hours sourcing ingredients and bespoke individual dishes further encouraging the weakness as they get such love and attention poured into their food.
- Ask them to bring their own food, which again means they get precisely what they want and are the happiest people in the room.
The result of both of these options is a disaster, as no longer is it ok to laugh and point at the weakness, the spread of feebleness goes unchecked rampaging through society. It’s no wonder meat is on a gradual decline to nothing, cows are blamed for almost everything nowadays even their farts are somehow considered more damaging than the combustion engine, poor Old Buttercup.
I still haven’t really worked out how to conclude this post, it seems the future of burgers is in question, cheese will no longer be acceptable, everything delicious will be banned in favour of enforced misery and we will all be forced to adopt the grey pallor of a concentration camp worker.
Long live Steak…or something like that.