Not only a girl but as far as I could make out she was enjoying whatever she was doing far too much! As far as I was aware there was no one in my corridor or in fact my whole wing of the hotel that was in a position to do any bare bottom boxing, so this had to be someone new! Not only that but it seemed to be coming from the next-door room.

I was shocked, my neighbor is a particularly fat and hairy officer called Alfred, who could quite easily eat an apple through a tennis racket, and here he was dishing out what sounded like the ride of some girl’s life.

In a worryingly perverted fashion (sorry mother!) I had my ear pressed to the wall trying to hear exactly what might be going on, but couldn’t hear a thing. The rhythmic moaning was only audible when I sat at my desk. I walked into the corridor and still couldn’t hear a thing. I was very confused.

I rallied the support of a passing young officer and we set about the man/woman hunt. Disappointingly it wasn’t long before we discovered that rather than some buxom blonde getting a damn good seeing to, in fact, a family of pigeons had taken up residence in my disused bathroom. Two birds were sat in my sink cooing away rhythmically to each other. Little blighters, took me ages to clear out their nest and reseal the smashed up window, but they won’t be lifting my spirits again!