Top ten tips to being good expat.

1. Don’t post a picture of a glass of champagne from a lounge/ business/ first class seat. Quite simply this is unforgivable twatishness.

2. Don’t wear sunglasses/ linen shirts all the time when at home – “oh darling it’s so bloody hot where we live I just can’t imagine life without them” = nob

3. Don’t mention not paying tax – just don’t, you will have no friends.

4. Don’t tell anyone how much you pay your maid/ nanny/ helper/ driver/ chef/ dog walker/ gardener (delete as appropriate) – your mates don’t have those things so will think you are a dick who runs a slave racket.

5. Don’t complain about how much your flight home cost – you’re the one who lives away, so suck it up. Most people can’t afford the train to Brighton let alone a long haul flight for the whole family three times a year.

6. Don’t ever mention the weather, British people do NOT want to be reminded of their situation and your 363 days a year of sunshine chat will only make them want to poke you in the eyes.

7. Don’t go home unannounced and expect anyone to give a sh*t or be free. It’s far more likely that little Petunia’s violin practice will take precedent over catching up on your slightly turgid news, get over it, your life isn’t that interesting!

8. Don’t make the mistake of thinking “Brunch” is a sign of success or that you have in someway made it. You haven’t, it’s an all you can eat buffet like the Harvester used to do, that’s all.

9. If you get a sh*t local stray dog, don’t try and pretend it’s better than a Labrador or a Spaniel. It isn’t.

10. Don’t start a blog – literally no one gives a sh*t about your life. Particularly if they are on a commute to their dreary job, and you feel it’s necessary to share your experiences in bad mispelt English.

11. Don’t take yourself too seriously. I know this is 11 points, and mispelt has been misspelt.